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Book All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late

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All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late

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    Available in PDF - DJVU Format | All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late.pdf | Language: ENGLISH

Why is it so difficult to remain married in thetwenty-first century, and what can you do about it?

We all know that half of today's marriages end in divorce, but we tend to believe that our own marriages are safe. As psychiatrist John Jacobs explains in this fresh and impassioned book, marriages today are incredibly fragile, and unless a couple understands what is making contemporary marriage so vulnerable to dissolution, the marriage is at risk.

Part of the problem is that people refuse to see how social and historical forces have changed the very meaning of marriage, causing serious interpersonal unhappiness. Because of increased longevity, married people live together longer than at any time in history. There's been an erosion of the social and cultural forces that traditionally kept marriages together. Confusion over gender-role responsibilities, increased expectations of sexual satisfaction, and intense time pressures on couples to work and be successful all create marital stress.

And yet, most people don't acknowledge the problems in their marriage until it is too late. We tend to believe in the "lies of marriage" -- such concepts as soul mates, unconditional love, that children improve a relationship, that the sexual revolution has made marital sex more pleasurable, or that egalitarian marriage offers couples easy solutions -- and forget to engage in the constant hardwork required to keep our marriages alive.

Dr. Jacobs believes that most marriages have significant problems at some time, but until we recognize the new realities of marriage and develop the skills required to sustain a loving, intimate relationship, marriages are at risk.

Of course marriage is about love. But that's just the beginning.

This particularly thoughtful and articulate volume marks the arrival of major new voice in couple’s psychology. A professor at NYU’s School of Medicine, Jacobs has also run a private psychiatric practice for the past 30 years, and his experience working with couples in both locations informs the practical, realistic view of marriage he presents in this book. "Virtually everyone has significant problems at some time in their marriage," he acknowledges. Some of those problems are made by husbands and wives, he explains; some of them are caused by biology, or by the tremendous social and economic changes of the past 40 years. Some are handed down generation after generation in families. Jacobs considers each of these sources in turn as he deconstructs "The Seven Lies of Marriage"—among them the ideas that "people don’t really change" and that "children solidify a marriage." While the book’s myth-busting structure resembles that of many pop psychology guides, Jacobs’s advice is noticeably more sophisticated. His tone is friendly and impartial, and he makes no false promises. "Marital relationships," he writes, "are by their very nature fraught with difficulty and vulnerability." It takes dedication to make them comfortable, loving and fair year after year, he says, and the tools he outlines go a long way toward making that task easier. He teaches readers how to overcome anger and resentment without sacrificing their needs. He explains how couples work as "systems" of action and reaction, and gives them ways to break "negative emotional spirals." Men, in particular, will appreciate his concerted effort to recognize the complaints and desires of both genders. In fact, Jacobs’s book is so well organized and insightful that even happily married couples may find it useful. Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title. “This particularly thoughtful and articulate volume marks the arrival of a major new voice in couple’s psychology.” (Publishers Weekly)“Enlightening…puts the conflicts of modern married couples into historical and cultural perspective. Astute [and] authentic.” (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

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Book details

  • PDF | 248 pages
  • Harper Perennial; Reprint edition (March 1, 2005)
  • English
  • 8
  • Self-Help

Read online or download a free book: All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late

 

Review Text

  • By Linda Bloom on August 5, 2015

    John Jacob's book "All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage" really can, as the subtitle suggests, "Save your marriage before it's too late". Jacobs, a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City has been working with individuals and couples and supervising medical interns and residents for over 40 years and specializes in marriage and family therapy. His book illuminates some of the widely-held beliefs that often mislead couples and distort their perceptions, adding to their confusion and suffering rather than diminishing it.His book offers profound insights and valuable guidance on a wide range of commonly-experienced challenges that confront couples today. In our opinion, this is one of the most practical, eloquent, and user-friendly relationship books on the market today. Check it out!Linda Bloom L.C.S.W. co-author of 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last andSecrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love (Linda and Charlie Bloom have been holding marriage meetings for over thirty years.)

  • By R. Morgan on October 8, 2012

    Dr. Jacobs begins his book with an essay on why modern marriages shouldn't work. Marriage is mostly up hill and society and modern media make it most difficult, to say the least. It's a wonder couples ever stay together for decades. In reality some do and some don't, but the best of the ones that do understand the tangible and intangible aspects of a loving partnership.A couple has to know certain truths and some definite myths about marriage. This is where Dr. Jacobs excels throughout the book. He then shares his experience as a marriage counselor and the things he's learned about making a couple's partnership stronger in their effort to make a good, sustainable marriage.I penned my own learning experience in a poem,"Rationalization," which said, "After all my / rationalizing / Analyzing /Self despising, / I reluctantly /Concede I am wrong. // Next time/ I hope this realization/ Unappealing sensation/ Ego obliteration, / Won't take me / So long. I Am Sea Glass: A Collection of Poetic PiecesRead Dr. Jacob's book yourself, give it to others, talk about it with your spouse. It deserves wide distribution for we all need to learn the lessons it teaches. Dr. Jacobs, congratulations on a job well done.

  • By Coleen B. on October 14, 2017

    Probably the dullest book I have ever read on Marriage and felt very dated and basic.The Mars and Venus books are very helpful and insightful whereas this book I could not get into-seemed like I was reading a textbook that I was forced to read as an assignment-if you have any common sense regarding Marriage,save your money and don't choose this one

  • By christine Pahl on December 22, 2014

    A remarkable book rife with information and wisdom regarding marriage. A must read for anyone thinking about marriage, struggling in a marital relationship, or currently divorced. John Jacobs gives one persepctive with which to assess relationships, assess what one needs to be a complete individual and acquire realistic expectations of what it takes to be married and stay married. He places the institution of marriage in a cultural and historical context and debunks the current media hype that touts fantastic sex all the time as the barometer of a healthy relationship. A practical, straightforward and applicable book I recommend to all my friends and clients struggling in relationships. Christine Pahl, MS, LPC

  • By HomeBuilding on January 24, 2009

    This is an excellent book and it crashes the all-too-dominant notions of "give-up-itis" when various (and totally predictable in human existence) uncomfortable problems arise in a marriage.However, the pathology-based thinking of North American psychs (and their dependence on their bible, the DSM IV) does more than sneak in all too much space on the topic of "change." Learning to be the best partner--learning to cope well with differences that are awkward for you is not accurately described as change--after, all, change is about identifying specifically your flaws and incorrect features and behaviors. (And since we all have plenty, how much fun is it going to be to prominently carry around a list of those imperfections---or review them in "therapy?")Instead of the psychobabble that "change" has come to mean, improvement in life and relationships can come instead from pursuing greater maturity, greater social skills and understanding of the other gender, greater appreciation of the contributions of the other, and a better understanding of the best ways to influence others with grace and the best ways to accept influence readily, with grace.The book is just a start, and more and better authors can be found at smartmarriages.com a coalition of authors, consumers, and providers who are all involved in the healthiest educational processes to learn the best marital structures and in practicing the best relationship skills.


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